I was very happy that both Steve and Jen came in to share
their story with us. Steve sounds like a wonderful father. He talked about how
he had a one night stand and later found out that the woman/ birth mother was
pregnant and he did not want anything to do with it. Peterman (2011), “…they
have never been or sought to be primary participants in the decisions about
their children’s fate… they’re young or married to other women or they’re
chicken…they defer or deny or flee because the can (152).” In Steve’s case he
was young and not prepared to be a father. He expressed that he thought everything
he was doing was the right thing. I can imagine that at that age you wouldn’t
know what to do in this situation. “And society has insidiously reinforced
their inclination to do so (152).” Steve said no one ever talked to him about
his child or what he should do. Not even his parents or friends talked to him
and offer just ask Steve what he is going through with his decision to place
the child for adoption. Steve was alone.
I understand the ethics of being a responsible person but, how can his
loved ones just sit back and do nothing? This clearly shows why Pertman brings
up that birth fathers are unnoticed.
In contrast to Jen’s side of the story, I thought it was very
interesting. We have not read much about what adoptees experiences are like
therefore, I was pleased to listen to Jen’s explanation. I think for Jen she
says that she never wanted to know her birth parents and I think maybe this is
typical for some adoptees to feel this way. Many times it is easier to avoid
things to get past it. She obviously had an emotional stance with the thought
of having any connection with Steve. Even
though Steve is her flesh and blood it doesn’t mean anything only that he is
the biological father and another stranger to her. Which is why I was so
surprised that they connected on the phone so well and then they met each other
the very next day. I think that Jen had every right to see Steve and to decide
how she wanted to bring Steve into her life. I loved how Steve constantly told
the class to remember small moments because those are special moments. I think
Steve feels very happy that his daughter who at first he wanted nothing to do
with her, has taken the time to actually talk to him and include him to treat
him like a human being.
-Ka L.
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ReplyDeleteBlog Post Reply 3
DeleteKa Lia,
I have thought the same thing. How could Steve's loved ones sit back and do nothing?! I think by not talking about it in his family and with his friends, he developed an issue of regret and shame. It was an unspeakable topic. I know if I were to get pregnant or my brother fathered a child, it would be a topic commonly talked about at our house. "What's the plan?" "Do you want to have contact with your child?" And I know we would constantly hear about the consequences of these actions. Just because the child was adopted, it does not mean the past is erased. There is a child out there, looking like you, living without knowing her biological parents. Some adoptees are fine without knowing their biological parents, like Jen. However, as a birthparent, there are also consequences you suffer. Steve talked about how he had this big hole in his chest. I truly believe if he had addressed the adoption and fathering a child with his close friends and family, maybe the hole wouldn't have been so regretful and he would have searched for Jen sooner. We all live with mistakes, but fathering a child is more than a 'sperm donation,' it is a choice leading to a life of another individual.
I really enjoyed having Jen and Steve speak to us and the openness of their relationship. Meeting a stranger who is the mere reason for your existence, that's a big deal. I am impressed on how quickly the relationship has developed over 4 years and the importance they stress on not crossing boundaries. Little moments which may seem like nothing, are huge in a relationship that didn't begin until 35 years after it typically does.
Brenna M
Blog Post Reply #3
ReplyDeleteKa Lia,
I really enjoyed getting to what you thought about Steve and Jen's story and how it related to the readings we have been reading in class. It's nice to see a perspective that is not from the one o'clock class. Anyways, that being said, I really liked when at the end of the first paragraph you posed a question, "how can his loved ones just sit back and do nothing?". At first I definitely felt the same way. It is sometimes frustrating to me hearing stories where men do not take responsibility and leave it up to the woman to figure things out since she is the one carrying the baby. However, I think it is important to look at their story in historical context and their own personal context. Steve was beginning to become an alcoholic at this point in his life, both of their families were Catholic, and it was the early 1970s when unmarried pregnancies, especially following one-night-stands were and probably still are socially stigmatized. Maybe Steve's family just wanted to forget that it happened, Steve was young and he had a lot of his life ahead of him. Steve mentioned to our class that the birthmother's family was very religious and so you wonder if her family made her cut off all contact with Steve, so that other people didn't find out about the pregnancy. Also, Steve was on the verge of becoming an alcoholic at this point and you wonder if he would have made "good" decisions if he would have been in the picture. I guess we can only speculate, but it is definitely something to think about. Again, I really enjoyed reading your post! I also thought that hearing their story was a really good experience because we did get to see the birthfather and the adopted child's point of view!
Samantha J.